Neanderthals
by UnicornsRKickass
Summary: Cartman gives another pseudo-scientific report in class just to offend Kyle. Wendy gets offended too.


Mr. Garrison slumped over in the old wheely chair, attempting to remain as awake as he possibly could while listening to students babble on pointlessly about whatever subjects they were assigned to write about. This time, he'd run out of good essay topics. Instead he told them to write about whatever they wanted, so long as it was "educational". He had to put extra emphasis on the educational part, in order to avoid listening to them talk about retarded subjects like their favorite movies, or in Eric Cartman's case, celebrities like Mel Gibson.

Whom, speaking of the devil, was already waving his hand around in the air wildly for permission to give his report. Token had just finished talking about polar bears for ten minutes, and half of the students were already asleep. "Mr. Garrison!" Eric called. "Mr. Garrison, pick me! I'm ready to go next!"

The teacher rolled his eyes and scanned the classroom for another student to pick. Apparently, nobody else was ready to read their reports. "Hey, psst, Garrison, over here!"

Eric flung his hand in the air even higher, then stood up and climbed on top of the desk just to make sure the teacher would notice him. If he weren't the height of a midget, he'd be touching the ceiling.

Garrison sighed and finally gave in. "Fine Eric, you can give your report next. Now get your damn ass off the desk."

"YESSS!" Eric called out in triumph. He wobbled off the desk, then gathered up his papers. He nearly knocked over Craig's desk in a haste to get to the front of the classroom. Garrison shot a dirty look as his least favorite student set up the projector screen for his report.

"Alright Eric, you have 10 minutes max." he stated clearly.

Eric nodded and cleared his throat, trying to catch the attention of all the students who were asleep. When Clyde didn't wake up, he tapped his desk loudly with a stick. "Excuse me CLYDE! But this is very important. I don't appreciate you sleeping while I'm trying to do my report hyah."

Clyde rubbed his eyes and looked around bleakly. A few other students yawned.

Cartman ignored them all and began his report. "OKAY, my fascinating essay topic today is about Neanderthals." he began, clicking the projector button. An image of a Neanderthal man popped up on the screen. "Neanderthals are a primitive subspecies of humans, which some scholars claim are now extinct." he clicked the button again, showing another image of Neanderthals huddled over a fire.

"However, recent studies suggest that most humans carry up to _five_ percent Neanderthal DNA in them." he stated.

"Oh my god!" Butters shouted, his eyes wide in awe. A few girls snickered at the sudden outburst. Tweek spazzed out a bit from anxiety.

"Yes, it is indeed fascinating, and shocking." Eric continued. "However, upon further research, I have discovered that some humans may contain even larger amounts of Neanderthal DNA." he pressed the button to the next slide, a picture showing a group of Hasidic Jews. Kyle furrowed his eyebrows.

"Scientists say that Neanderthals were probably intelligent, but also shrewd and sneaky, and lacking in emotional cognitive awareness. Not much unlike the Jews, who share many of the same traits."

Kyle, who was sitting in the front row, had to argue. "That's bullcrap!"

Cartman cleared his throat, ignoring the protest. "_Ahem_, another common trait of Neanderthals is to violently oppose anyone who offends them. Our good friend Kyle here being a perfect example. Neanderthals, like Jews_ and _Muslims, will throw rocks at anybody who provokes them."

Kyle growled, ready to jump up from his seat. Cartman smiled. "You see, Neanderthals are very aggressive and defensive..they get angered easily, hence why they are a danger to modern day society and should be eliminated."

Before Kyle could start yelling, Garrison waved his hand, "Eric, what the hell is this?"

"I'm just informing people about a very serious issue, Mr. Garrison." Cartman explained. Garrison simply shook his head, not feeling the mood to argue. After all, Eric was probably one of the only remaining students who'd actually finished their report. And if he had to stop the essay reading at this time, that'd mean he'd actually have to teach for the remainder of the class. And quite frankly, he didn't feel like doing that.

"It's not a serious issue! It's a bunch of crap that he made up." Kyle argued back, crossing his arms on the desk. Cartman shot him a glare.

Garrison looked at both students, his expression tired and empty. "Just let him finish his damn presentation, alright?"

Kyle huffed and sat back in his desk, making no further comments. Kenny, who was sitting in the back, snickered quietly at the whole scene.

"Anyway" Cartman continued with a satisfied smile, "Studies show that Neanderthals, like many Jews, were very hideously ugly and had large noses. It is also said that red hair comes exclusively from the Neanderthal gene, meaning that all gingers, and _especially_ gingers who are Jewish, are in fact _not_ human."

Kyle rolled his eyes but didn't interrupt. Eric continued on with his presentation unaffected, until Wendy gave him a mean glare. "This is very tasteless and offensive!" she complained.

He cleared his throat again. "Okay, okay, I see that _some_ people are just too ignorant to hear my report. I knew this wouldn't handle well with the PC crowd." he gave a glare back at Wendy. "I realize that my thinking is just too revolutionary for some of you to understand."

"It's just stupid is what it is!" Wendy argued. Garrison made a gesture for her to be quiet, and unwillingly, she did.

Cartman smiled at the teacher satisfactorily. "Thank you, teacher. You know, I could go on about this all day, but the key point here is that we need to protect ourselves from these hybrid creatures. It's possible, based on some minor evidence, that they have shape-shifting abilities as well. And-"

"What source did you get this _evidence_ from?" Wendy asked snarkily. Kyle shook his head, knowing better than to argue someone as stupid as Cartman.

Cartman rolled his eyes, annoyed. "My sources are very reputable! Youtube, Google, Fickypedia, Hitler and Goebbels.."

"Those aren't scholarly sources!" Wendy fired back. The teacher sighed as his hands smudged his cheeks.

"Shut up, ho, they are too! Hitler was very reputable!"

"Eric, just finish your damned report." Garrison warned, half-asleep. Kyle looked up at the clock, anticipating time for recess.

Cartman cleared his throat again and tried to compose himself, his cheeks red in anger. "Anyway, like I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted." he glared at Wendy, and Kyle, even though Kyle had been ignoring him. "Now that we know their true origins, we can conclude that Jews are a dangerous threat because they are, in fact." he clicked the slide to reveal the final image, a neanderthal with Kyle's face pasted onto it, beating another one over the head with a club. "Cave men!"

Butters gasped in shock. After finishing his presentation, Eric sat back down at his own desk, ignoring the death glare Kyle was giving him from just a row away. He folded his hands and quietly smiled at the teacher.

Garrison snapped out of his sleepy daze. He looked up at the clock in confusion. Damn, it wasn't time to leave yet. Maybe he _should_ have just let them bicker for awhile. "Okay, Eric. You get a D minus."

"God dammit!"


End file.
